The Bipolarity of Haruhi Suzumiya, Episode 1

I must admit, the setup to this show had me hooked.

The pretty visuals and animation style had me ignoring pressing questions such as "What the heck is an esper?" and "Why does that guy's face contest Sarah Jessica Parker in longness?"

Sorry. Guess I shouldn't be making assumptions before I even know anything about this character.

Pictured: A Horse With No Name

So, by now, if the show's title didn't clue you in that it's melancholic, the narration is going to shove it down your throat by reminding you of all the nights you naïvely stayed up late writing letters to a fat, imaginary man,

fond memories of stuffing dead bones that fell out of your mouth under a pillow in hopes that a fairy will give you a quarter in exchange,

and don't get me started on all that shit hiding under your bed that brainwashed your parents into thinking it wasn't there.

"Goddammit, Mom."

...Those were simpler times.

This color scheme and the uniforms feel a little familiar, though... Why do I feel like I'm watching t.A.T.u.'s wet, underage music video "All the Things she Said"?

Practically the same thing: neither have any real lesbians.

If there's anything anime creators love more than hair that isn't black, it's gotta be school uniforms.

...Okay, it's been over a minute we're still talking about Santa. You're losing me here.

Along with every kid with too much free time that found an AMV of their favorite High School Musical song with this anime and traced it back to the first episode.

Yup, their parents are gonna wanna speak to these crazy people who made their kid think the Loch Ness monster isn't real. God forbid they protest Disney giving kids unrealistic ideas of high school.

Shown here: A 10-year-old's perception of an off period.

Yeah, jump on a lunch table and burst into song, kid, see where it gets you.

Oh, look, significant character introduction. I know this because everything suddenly became shiny technicolor.

Horseface wants us to believe this girl is gorgeous (brilliantly written by every unconfident nerd ever, "There stood before me this amazingly beautiful girl") despite her bug-eyes and freakish man chin.

"T... Tori Spelling?!"

Okay, okay, I know proportions are about as important as plot in anime (read: null), so we'll let this slide.

Something else anime likes to do is make it glaringly obvious what gender everyone is.

I guess this applies more to women than men, (do you know how long it took me to figure out Full Metal Alchemist wasn't about a dyke and a robot?) but there's usually no even, transgendered ground.

First scene of the opening, after zooming in on Man Chin's beautiful little face?

Secret: They're designed for childbirth.

Yeah. Duh.

But it was then that the animators decided they were missing something. I'm sure the conversation went something like,

"Boss, what if the viewers still can't figure out that the main character is female?"
"Ohoho, I've got the perfect fix!"

"You're a genius, Boss. Everyone knows boys can't be cheerleaders!"

Wow, those pom-poms are freaking huge. No, not the ones her mama gave her.

But after running out of things that jiggle (and aren't edible) to stick in the intro, the animators just decided to screw it and went to smoke crack.

At least the song is catchy.

Next, we learn that the douchebag epidemic has spread all over the world.

They're in Japanese animation, too, except they're called "Taniguchi."

Who can seriously get more pathetic than rating girls they could never get and then giving other guys advice on said girls? Oh, yeah, Kunikida, listening to him.

Anyway, the story is now focusing on the sasaugefest during lunch, discussing Man Chin and her infinite beauty. And some animator felt bad no glasses girls have appeared yet, so they threw one in here to please those fans.

Girl #1's 28 seconds of fame in action.

Douchebag goes on to tell us all about Man Chin's affairs: her longest relationship being a week and her shortest a few minutes.

Okay, again, duh.

Isn't this called Flanderization? A caricature? You know, when they're exaggerating one idea so much it makes you gag and exaggerate a little in your mouth yourself...

We freaking get it. They're in high school. A 'date' is like signing an 'agreement to fuck' contract.

So, they watch some sweaty girl-on-girl action (same sex P.E.) while discussing how great females are.

DID WE BLOODY MENTION THERE ARE GIRLS?

Why am I watching this by choice? Hell, if they started going off about football or Internet memes, I'd just need to pay a visit to any high school in America to get the same experience.

Don't worry if you started yawning, because those crafty animators came up with a great way to keep you awake:

"Hm, these scenes that don't have Haruhi in them drag on way too long."

"Oh, boss, what'll we do?"

"How did I end up working with such a brilliant mind?!"

And then all the boys get shoved out of the room by all of the girls.

Wait, why? It's not like the guys were doing anything. What could be the motive behind all the girls wanting to be alone with shirtless Man Chin?

Okay, now I'm just being hopeful.

To make up for all the shots of Horseface standing there like an idiot and narrating, (He talks to himself, and bothers to number things before he says them. I'm sure this really helps your inner loser stay organized, buddy.) we get a ton of shots of Man Chin looking not amused while doing physical activities.

A solemn look here, a knitted eyebrow there, and a hand on the cheek thrown in for good measure.

Just a hunch, but I've got a feeling Man Chin isn't very happy about things right now.

However, Man Chin, feeling her massive jaw is just too great for only one club decides to join and quit a ton of them shortly after. But she's attractive (so I've been told) so no one really cares how troublesome and inconvenient it is for someone to do that.

Haruhi and co. at the outdoor adventures club.

Then Horseface feels the need to further prove he's a loser by telling Man Chin all the little subtleties he noticed about her complex and very freaking female soul.

"So, do you change your hairstyle every day to warn off alien invaders?"

Not only is Horseface being a total creeper, a characteristic of the common nerd, (the kind of guy who might say "I noticed lately you've been wearing that green bracelet about 1/4 further down your arm than usual. I like it.") he's gotta go and be every jerk in the world by mocking her interests.

Haruhi doesn't mind, though. Remember, she's working toward getting a 'date'!

"All you have to do to get girls is NOT follow Taniguchi's advice?!"

Next on Man Chin's to-do list? Surprise: be bored. And you'll never guess how Horseface responds..

(Hint: He watches her apathetically while the little voice in his head narrates just how goddamn FEMALE she is.)

An episode of TMOHS: It's like this, but for half an hour.

And then Man Chin gets her hair cut.

Now maybe it's because I have a thing for short hair or whatever, but this totally makes up for her Jay Leno chin. The hair ribbon is a nice touch, too.

Better.

Speaking of characters that show up to make drama and then die, (whoops!) we get to talk to Ryoko Asakura. Like everything else in this godforsaken chin-obsessed world, Ryoko is looking for a way to get into Haruhi's pants.

Real dub line: "What do you do to get her to open up [her legs]?"

And after Ryoko uses her serial-killer charm to make Kyon her lackey, (is he ever NOT being ordered around..?) she runs back to her harem to plan what they're going to do to Man Chin when she's captured.

Taniguchi, a little too excited a girl with unnatural hair color was within 10 feet of him, grabs hold of Kyon...

How can you just watch, Kunikida?! You bastard.

Man Chin, saying aloud everyone's first thought after graduating junior high and arriving at their new school,

"I thought things would get a little better when I got into high school, but it's the same here as it was throughout all these mandatory school years,"

has concluded that a hand-free cheek should not be a cheek at all.

Déjà vu. Déjà vu.

What happens the next 3 minutes or so? Man Chin and Horseface's mouth shapes change every other frame, and sometimes voices come out of them, and occasionally other parts of their bodies move.

Sometimes the scenery changes. If the animators are feeling daring, the lighting does, too.

Ah, but those guys are smarter than we think! When shows like this hit their dullest of the dull moments, it's time to introduce a new, upbeat, crazy character to mix things up!

Slow down, animators, you're losing me!

Meet Hottie #2: The sexy bookworm, whose Snow-White-pale complexion and curvaceous body contest even Haruhi's Godly figure. Her hair, a blend of silver and lilac...

Wait.

Are those glasses?

Forget her.

"Now emitting dismal emotions."

I kid. I think Yuki's adorable and quite more useful than a lot of characters on this show...

"I'd like you all to meet Fanserv-- I mean, Mikuru!"

Oh, I kid again. Mikuru is also adorable, although not good for very many other things.

But in this day and age, being adorable gets you many more places than being useful. When was the last time you saw a Yuki dakimakura? Exactly.

"Stop sexualizing me and treating my body like an object!"

Yeah right.

Oh yeah, and then here comes the reason half the fans starting watching in the first place: Haruhi's boob grab. We've all seen the animated gif. We've all seen the "I Kissed a Girl" AMVs.

This, but nonconsensual. And they didn't have a pedophile manager.

And with that, some kind of half-assed club is formed..? Huh? But Haruhi is happy and her cheek is feeling lonely so all is good with the world.

"I call it the I-Rape-Mikuru-and-No-One-Tells Brigade!"

Whenever Kyon makes a face like this, he's just trying to figure out a way to hide his boner.

And so, the very female and melancholic first episode of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya comes to a close.

What have we learned?

- Haruhi is pretty. I think.
- Kyon is normal. He thinks.
- Girls are FEMALE.
- Catchy music solves everything.

Well, go ahead and dance along with the ending theme. Have no shame! At least you haven't spent any real money on something silly like a figma yet! Ohohoho! ...you haven't, right?

Oh, and because I know you were looking forward to it..

Boingu~!

This concludes TMOHS Episode 1's parody! There'll be more female girls in my next post!

Look forward to it!