Hate My Life

I bet the whole reason you ended up on this site is because you wanted to read a parody of an obscure Japanese lesbian drama starring a gay girl whose best friends and lover are gay.

(Spoiler: Also, her parents are gay.)

Then you've come to the right place!

A little backstory: The main character is Ichiko, her lover is Eri, and her mom is dead. A moment of silence.

Moving on.

She's talking about candy, but we all know what our minds went to first.

If the DVD's cover of these two girls embracing didn't clue you in that they were lovers, the first scene of the movie is going to remind you by showing them making out for like 5 minutes.

Maybe the director had something with this... Something like "If you're gonna jack off to this movie, jack off now so you can pay attention to the damn story later. And no, it's just just a soap opera with no men!"

Yeah, like that stopped all the fanboys.

See, gay people are cohesive... They wanna stick together.

Okay, as an on-and-off LOGO (US cable TV channel aimed at the LGBT audience/community) fan, I've made the observation that if it's a drama and it's gay, then STRAIGHT PEOPLE ARE NOT ALLOWED.

NO EXCEPTIONS.

IF YOU ARE STRAIGHT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE, YOU WILL NOT BE BY THE END.

I'm looking at you, Out at the Wedding.

So, it would make sense if the main character was adopted to two gay men or two lesbians, right?

Haha, nice try. In gay movies, we want to throw in as many gay people as possible!

Solution?

"Oh, you're gay? That's cool, Dad."

"Oh, Mom was, too?"

"Wait, what the hell. You fucked."

Apparently they both parents wanted a kid, and after trying countless times with the same sex to make one, they finally learned the facts of life (probably from some 6th grader neighbor boy) and decided to compromise:

"Let's have a kid, pretend to love each other in front of her, and have secret lovers the whole time!"
"That's perfect! I love you! Wait, no, I don't! You have a nasty man-weiner!"

So this genius of a dad decides to introduce his daughter to his secret lover of... well, I don't remember how many years, but it's long enough to scar her for life.

"So, when you left my middle school graduation early because you had an 'appointment'..."

By the way, this was just an ill-timed screenshot. Loverboy is just talking about whore-Dad's personality. The guy we think is Ichiko's dad really is her dad.

Haha, silly you, thinking gay movies have plot twists!

"Yeah, maybe next I can meet your accomplice. You know, for when you ROBBED MY INNOCENCE."

Now that the cat's out of the bag, (pussy joke here? ..nah, I've got slightly more taste than that) Ichiko is introduced to her late mother's lover! Accidentally, of course.

(Shut up, it's a movie, they can do anything they want! If whore-Dad were to suddenly sprout wings, the only thing you should wonder is where he'll fly first!)

"...So I had a whore-Mom, too. Surprise surprise."

Pictured, right-to-left: Eri, Ichiko, whore-Mom's lover, whore-Mom's lover's new lover, and THE ONLY STRAIGHT CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE.

Ah, the beach. A setting of love, emotion, and confessions...

"...Biblically. You should try a threesome some day, sweetie."

For every wrinkle Ichiko saw that day, she cut herself three more times.

To get mind off whore-Mom, Ichiko tried to go somewhere where she wouldn't hear any mention of any gay anything...

Yeah, because that extremely heterosexual way you dress is fooling everyone.

Such a shame Ichiko has to show her dissatisfaction with the world via hand on cheek, all Haruhi-esque. Ichiko's chin is nowhere near as manly. Or straight.

In movies, it's totally okay to talk at a normal volume in libraries. Unless, of course, some big secret is about to be revealed. Then someone has GOTTA come and interrupt them.

"Plot development? Not in my library, bitch!"

I don't get people like this. If you're gonna be not extremely hot, try to have a nice personality. If you're gonna have the personality of a PMSing Simon Cowell, try to look neat and put-together.

But I guess every movie needs the obligatory ass. Sorry, library girl.

But wait! Maybe your obligatory ass position has already been filled! Rejoice!

Oh, look, Taniguchi made it into a movie. But, like Jim Carrey, he seems to only be able to play one type of character...

And that character is Douchebag.

If you think you've lost total faith in humanity, no need to worry! Ichiko will show you that the ways people can be stupid are endless!

Oh baby.

Ichiko, following her whore-parents' footsteps, puts her gaydar (hint: if you're watching LOGO, this will ALWAYS GO OFF) to work and sets her targets on the girl with the most detailed hair.

"Screw stable relationships! If there's no drama in my life, I'm gonna make it while I can still get away with it!"

Sigh.

Let's just stroke Ichiko's ego a little more while she's getting so much lovin'.

"And you're the one boy that doesn't repel me by having a man-weiner!"

This whole time, Eri is off studying hard or working a lot or doing some important shit like that. Good thing she's got a loyal girlfriend to come home to every night.

Ichiko, holding yet another thing she's shoved up her vag.

Unfortunately for mini whore-Mom, Eri's business-trained ears have heard mumbles regarding mohawks while they were doing it.

This means... interrogation!

"You know what's the matter? The pimple of OUR LOVE."

Ichiko, ready for anything, stays up late and spends countless hours coming up with a legit reason for making out with another girl that will allow the couple to still continue their (apparently open) relationship.

After narrowing it down to choices such as "I met her at my grandma's funeral. Sniffle." and "the dog ate my sanity," Ichiko finally presents her best excuse...

In a perfect world, this would work.

And it does work. Because those directors know that more action = more money! Another unwritten rule of the gay drama.

Okay, next up comes up the part the part that I didn't screencap much during the short period rented the DVD, (do you know how awkward it was to look that clerk in the eye?) so I'll explain it a bit here.

Eri hosts a Christmas dinner for Ichiko where Ichiko's told she won't be able to see her lover for... some amount of time for some reason. Probably business. That's almost as bad as the hair excuse.

Anyway, Ichiko overreacts and cries and freaks out and gets what's coming to her... ERI PUNCH!

Just kidding. I wish. She gets bitch-slapped.

As simultaneous cries of "Cat fight! Cat fight!" are heard by viewers everywhere, Ichiko leaves and goes home to be emo.

Pre-slap.

Post-slap. Note the look of accomplishment on Eri's face.

And whore-Dad proves once again that he's a weird-ass.

"EGGPLANTS CAN'T HEAL THE PAIN."

"I was thinking of trying double penetration... What do you think?"

Yeah, this was my face at that part, too.

Ichiko's sad and stuff, and don't you forget it. Cue montage of Ichiko looking melancholy with emotional rock ballad music.

"I'm so sad and stuff."

Since this movie was made in the age of the emo, the directors know watchers will be able to relate to sadness. Break ups, mean parents, clique drama, you know the drill. Sorry if I'm hitting too close to home.

What do [the kind of] people [that would watch a gay drama] do to cure sadness?

Easy! Write smutfic.

Bam! Ichiko solves her non-existant sex life problem by creating an artificial one.

...I'm really hitting close to home now, aren't I? Don't even try clearing your history now, you know what you've done!

Hint hint. You'll never be happy if the only ones getting some are your characters.

But wait! Movies don't end unhappily! (At least those non-cult ones. Conform to society, dammit!) So that means some kinda plot resolution is coming up. A happily ever after. Makeup sex.

Please be makeup sex.

Aw, just a mushy text.

Ichiko is ready for some lovin'.

Yeah, so here comes the emotional ending in which we see Ichiko break several traffic (and fashion) laws on her way to meet Eri at some place. A place that Eri never actually specified in that short-ass 4-character text.

I guess they've developed some kinda telepathy between each other. Or maybe the director just kinda, you know, forgot to fill this plot hole. Whoops.

"Screw the fuzz! And you too, Dolce & Gabbana!"

"..Why the hell is she running the other way?"

Eri's such a bitch about it, too. She decides 30 seconds in movie time is just TOO LONG TO WAIT UGH and starts to leave her post. Nice try, ya stuffy carpet-muncher.

Can you find the overly-desperate lesbian in this picture? No, no, the other one.

But at last, this wouldn't-be-so-dysfunctional-if-Eri-wasn't-so-needy couple is reunited! Finally, no more nights of just Ichiko, her computer screen, and her Hello Kitty vibrator!

Seriously.

"Thank God! I was almost out of lube!"

What was business-y Eri doing all this time, anyway? Spoiler: not business. She wrote a damn book. Seeing as how hard it is to get a following or any popularity in books/etc these days, I'd totally hate whoever left their job and me to go publish all their opinions no one gives a shit about.

God. Just get a Livejournal.

"Oh, you wrote a book. I'll pretend to care so you don't slap me. JUST KIDDING, JUST KIDDING."

"Yeah, and if I hadn't met you, I wouldn't have a black eye. Bitch."

Despite all the 'drama,' the couple makes up and embraces in a very cushioned hug.

"This feels so much better than that disembodied arm hugging pillow!"

A projection: Ichiko in 10 years if Eri never came back.

NOW comes the makeup sex.

By 'sex,' I mean 'Ichiko and Eri stare at each other naked for several minutes,' but, you know, you take what you can get. But don't worry, sometimes they even lick each other! Woah, director, slow down, too hardcore for me!

And it all comes to a kind of half-assed end. Make sure to buy the manga! Buy the DVD, buy the light novel! And if you can't find figmas or cell phone charms to buy, you're not looking hard enough!

Even eggplant-loving whore-Dad likes him some lesbian catfights.

As if this blog didn't have enough adolescent female drama, The Bipolarity of Haruhi Suzumiya episode 2 is coming up next! Look forward to it!