Hate My Life

I bet the whole reason you ended up on this site is because you wanted to read a parody of an obscure Japanese lesbian drama starring a gay girl whose best friends and lover are gay.

(Spoiler: Also, her parents are gay.)

Then you've come to the right place!

A little backstory: The main character is Ichiko, her lover is Eri, and her mom is dead. A moment of silence.

Moving on.

She's talking about candy, but we all know what our minds went to first.

If the DVD's cover of these two girls embracing didn't clue you in that they were lovers, the first scene of the movie is going to remind you by showing them making out for like 5 minutes.

Maybe the director had something with this... Something like "If you're gonna jack off to this movie, jack off now so you can pay attention to the damn story later. And no, it's just just a soap opera with no men!"

Yeah, like that stopped all the fanboys.

See, gay people are cohesive... They wanna stick together.

Okay, as an on-and-off LOGO (US cable TV channel aimed at the LGBT audience/community) fan, I've made the observation that if it's a drama and it's gay, then STRAIGHT PEOPLE ARE NOT ALLOWED.

NO EXCEPTIONS.

IF YOU ARE STRAIGHT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE, YOU WILL NOT BE BY THE END.

I'm looking at you, Out at the Wedding.

So, it would make sense if the main character was adopted to two gay men or two lesbians, right?

Haha, nice try. In gay movies, we want to throw in as many gay people as possible!

Solution?

"Oh, you're gay? That's cool, Dad."

"Oh, Mom was, too?"

"Wait, what the hell. You fucked."

Apparently they both parents wanted a kid, and after trying countless times with the same sex to make one, they finally learned the facts of life (probably from some 6th grader neighbor boy) and decided to compromise:

"Let's have a kid, pretend to love each other in front of her, and have secret lovers the whole time!"
"That's perfect! I love you! Wait, no, I don't! You have a nasty man-weiner!"

So this genius of a dad decides to introduce his daughter to his secret lover of... well, I don't remember how many years, but it's long enough to scar her for life.

"So, when you left my middle school graduation early because you had an 'appointment'..."

By the way, this was just an ill-timed screenshot. Loverboy is just talking about whore-Dad's personality. The guy we think is Ichiko's dad really is her dad.

Haha, silly you, thinking gay movies have plot twists!

"Yeah, maybe next I can meet your accomplice. You know, for when you ROBBED MY INNOCENCE."

Now that the cat's out of the bag, (pussy joke here? ..nah, I've got slightly more taste than that) Ichiko is introduced to her late mother's lover! Accidentally, of course.

(Shut up, it's a movie, they can do anything they want! If whore-Dad were to suddenly sprout wings, the only thing you should wonder is where he'll fly first!)

"...So I had a whore-Mom, too. Surprise surprise."

Pictured, right-to-left: Eri, Ichiko, whore-Mom's lover, whore-Mom's lover's new lover, and THE ONLY STRAIGHT CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE.

Ah, the beach. A setting of love, emotion, and confessions...

"...Biblically. You should try a threesome some day, sweetie."

For every wrinkle Ichiko saw that day, she cut herself three more times.

To get mind off whore-Mom, Ichiko tried to go somewhere where she wouldn't hear any mention of any gay anything...

Yeah, because that extremely heterosexual way you dress is fooling everyone.

Such a shame Ichiko has to show her dissatisfaction with the world via hand on cheek, all Haruhi-esque. Ichiko's chin is nowhere near as manly. Or straight.

In movies, it's totally okay to talk at a normal volume in libraries. Unless, of course, some big secret is about to be revealed. Then someone has GOTTA come and interrupt them.

"Plot development? Not in my library, bitch!"

I don't get people like this. If you're gonna be not extremely hot, try to have a nice personality. If you're gonna have the personality of a PMSing Simon Cowell, try to look neat and put-together.

But I guess every movie needs the obligatory ass. Sorry, library girl.

But wait! Maybe your obligatory ass position has already been filled! Rejoice!

Oh, look, Taniguchi made it into a movie. But, like Jim Carrey, he seems to only be able to play one type of character...

And that character is Douchebag.

If you think you've lost total faith in humanity, no need to worry! Ichiko will show you that the ways people can be stupid are endless!

Oh baby.

Ichiko, following her whore-parents' footsteps, puts her gaydar (hint: if you're watching LOGO, this will ALWAYS GO OFF) to work and sets her targets on the girl with the most detailed hair.

"Screw stable relationships! If there's no drama in my life, I'm gonna make it while I can still get away with it!"

Sigh.

Let's just stroke Ichiko's ego a little more while she's getting so much lovin'.

"And you're the one boy that doesn't repel me by having a man-weiner!"

This whole time, Eri is off studying hard or working a lot or doing some important shit like that. Good thing she's got a loyal girlfriend to come home to every night.

Ichiko, holding yet another thing she's shoved up her vag.

Unfortunately for mini whore-Mom, Eri's business-trained ears have heard mumbles regarding mohawks while they were doing it.

This means... interrogation!

"You know what's the matter? The pimple of OUR LOVE."

Ichiko, ready for anything, stays up late and spends countless hours coming up with a legit reason for making out with another girl that will allow the couple to still continue their (apparently open) relationship.

After narrowing it down to choices such as "I met her at my grandma's funeral. Sniffle." and "the dog ate my sanity," Ichiko finally presents her best excuse...

In a perfect world, this would work.

And it does work. Because those directors know that more action = more money! Another unwritten rule of the gay drama.

Okay, next up comes up the part the part that I didn't screencap much during the short period rented the DVD, (do you know how awkward it was to look that clerk in the eye?) so I'll explain it a bit here.

Eri hosts a Christmas dinner for Ichiko where Ichiko's told she won't be able to see her lover for... some amount of time for some reason. Probably business. That's almost as bad as the hair excuse.

Anyway, Ichiko overreacts and cries and freaks out and gets what's coming to her... ERI PUNCH!

Just kidding. I wish. She gets bitch-slapped.

As simultaneous cries of "Cat fight! Cat fight!" are heard by viewers everywhere, Ichiko leaves and goes home to be emo.

Pre-slap.

Post-slap. Note the look of accomplishment on Eri's face.

And whore-Dad proves once again that he's a weird-ass.

"EGGPLANTS CAN'T HEAL THE PAIN."

"I was thinking of trying double penetration... What do you think?"

Yeah, this was my face at that part, too.

Ichiko's sad and stuff, and don't you forget it. Cue montage of Ichiko looking melancholy with emotional rock ballad music.

"I'm so sad and stuff."

Since this movie was made in the age of the emo, the directors know watchers will be able to relate to sadness. Break ups, mean parents, clique drama, you know the drill. Sorry if I'm hitting too close to home.

What do [the kind of] people [that would watch a gay drama] do to cure sadness?

Easy! Write smutfic.

Bam! Ichiko solves her non-existant sex life problem by creating an artificial one.

...I'm really hitting close to home now, aren't I? Don't even try clearing your history now, you know what you've done!

Hint hint. You'll never be happy if the only ones getting some are your characters.

But wait! Movies don't end unhappily! (At least those non-cult ones. Conform to society, dammit!) So that means some kinda plot resolution is coming up. A happily ever after. Makeup sex.

Please be makeup sex.

Aw, just a mushy text.

Ichiko is ready for some lovin'.

Yeah, so here comes the emotional ending in which we see Ichiko break several traffic (and fashion) laws on her way to meet Eri at some place. A place that Eri never actually specified in that short-ass 4-character text.

I guess they've developed some kinda telepathy between each other. Or maybe the director just kinda, you know, forgot to fill this plot hole. Whoops.

"Screw the fuzz! And you too, Dolce & Gabbana!"

"..Why the hell is she running the other way?"

Eri's such a bitch about it, too. She decides 30 seconds in movie time is just TOO LONG TO WAIT UGH and starts to leave her post. Nice try, ya stuffy carpet-muncher.

Can you find the overly-desperate lesbian in this picture? No, no, the other one.

But at last, this wouldn't-be-so-dysfunctional-if-Eri-wasn't-so-needy couple is reunited! Finally, no more nights of just Ichiko, her computer screen, and her Hello Kitty vibrator!

Seriously.

"Thank God! I was almost out of lube!"

What was business-y Eri doing all this time, anyway? Spoiler: not business. She wrote a damn book. Seeing as how hard it is to get a following or any popularity in books/etc these days, I'd totally hate whoever left their job and me to go publish all their opinions no one gives a shit about.

God. Just get a Livejournal.

"Oh, you wrote a book. I'll pretend to care so you don't slap me. JUST KIDDING, JUST KIDDING."

"Yeah, and if I hadn't met you, I wouldn't have a black eye. Bitch."

Despite all the 'drama,' the couple makes up and embraces in a very cushioned hug.

"This feels so much better than that disembodied arm hugging pillow!"

A projection: Ichiko in 10 years if Eri never came back.

NOW comes the makeup sex.

By 'sex,' I mean 'Ichiko and Eri stare at each other naked for several minutes,' but, you know, you take what you can get. But don't worry, sometimes they even lick each other! Woah, director, slow down, too hardcore for me!

And it all comes to a kind of half-assed end. Make sure to buy the manga! Buy the DVD, buy the light novel! And if you can't find figmas or cell phone charms to buy, you're not looking hard enough!

Even eggplant-loving whore-Dad likes him some lesbian catfights.

As if this blog didn't have enough adolescent female drama, The Bipolarity of Haruhi Suzumiya episode 2 is coming up next! Look forward to it!

The Bipolarity of Haruhi Suzumiya, Episode 1

I must admit, the setup to this show had me hooked.

The pretty visuals and animation style had me ignoring pressing questions such as "What the heck is an esper?" and "Why does that guy's face contest Sarah Jessica Parker in longness?"

Sorry. Guess I shouldn't be making assumptions before I even know anything about this character.

Pictured: A Horse With No Name

So, by now, if the show's title didn't clue you in that it's melancholic, the narration is going to shove it down your throat by reminding you of all the nights you naïvely stayed up late writing letters to a fat, imaginary man,

fond memories of stuffing dead bones that fell out of your mouth under a pillow in hopes that a fairy will give you a quarter in exchange,

and don't get me started on all that shit hiding under your bed that brainwashed your parents into thinking it wasn't there.

"Goddammit, Mom."

...Those were simpler times.

This color scheme and the uniforms feel a little familiar, though... Why do I feel like I'm watching t.A.T.u.'s wet, underage music video "All the Things she Said"?

Practically the same thing: neither have any real lesbians.

If there's anything anime creators love more than hair that isn't black, it's gotta be school uniforms.

...Okay, it's been over a minute we're still talking about Santa. You're losing me here.

Along with every kid with too much free time that found an AMV of their favorite High School Musical song with this anime and traced it back to the first episode.

Yup, their parents are gonna wanna speak to these crazy people who made their kid think the Loch Ness monster isn't real. God forbid they protest Disney giving kids unrealistic ideas of high school.

Shown here: A 10-year-old's perception of an off period.

Yeah, jump on a lunch table and burst into song, kid, see where it gets you.

Oh, look, significant character introduction. I know this because everything suddenly became shiny technicolor.

Horseface wants us to believe this girl is gorgeous (brilliantly written by every unconfident nerd ever, "There stood before me this amazingly beautiful girl") despite her bug-eyes and freakish man chin.

"T... Tori Spelling?!"

Okay, okay, I know proportions are about as important as plot in anime (read: null), so we'll let this slide.

Something else anime likes to do is make it glaringly obvious what gender everyone is.

I guess this applies more to women than men, (do you know how long it took me to figure out Full Metal Alchemist wasn't about a dyke and a robot?) but there's usually no even, transgendered ground.

First scene of the opening, after zooming in on Man Chin's beautiful little face?

Secret: They're designed for childbirth.

Yeah. Duh.

But it was then that the animators decided they were missing something. I'm sure the conversation went something like,

"Boss, what if the viewers still can't figure out that the main character is female?"
"Ohoho, I've got the perfect fix!"

"You're a genius, Boss. Everyone knows boys can't be cheerleaders!"

Wow, those pom-poms are freaking huge. No, not the ones her mama gave her.

But after running out of things that jiggle (and aren't edible) to stick in the intro, the animators just decided to screw it and went to smoke crack.

At least the song is catchy.

Next, we learn that the douchebag epidemic has spread all over the world.

They're in Japanese animation, too, except they're called "Taniguchi."

Who can seriously get more pathetic than rating girls they could never get and then giving other guys advice on said girls? Oh, yeah, Kunikida, listening to him.

Anyway, the story is now focusing on the sasaugefest during lunch, discussing Man Chin and her infinite beauty. And some animator felt bad no glasses girls have appeared yet, so they threw one in here to please those fans.

Girl #1's 28 seconds of fame in action.

Douchebag goes on to tell us all about Man Chin's affairs: her longest relationship being a week and her shortest a few minutes.

Okay, again, duh.

Isn't this called Flanderization? A caricature? You know, when they're exaggerating one idea so much it makes you gag and exaggerate a little in your mouth yourself...

We freaking get it. They're in high school. A 'date' is like signing an 'agreement to fuck' contract.

So, they watch some sweaty girl-on-girl action (same sex P.E.) while discussing how great females are.

DID WE BLOODY MENTION THERE ARE GIRLS?

Why am I watching this by choice? Hell, if they started going off about football or Internet memes, I'd just need to pay a visit to any high school in America to get the same experience.

Don't worry if you started yawning, because those crafty animators came up with a great way to keep you awake:

"Hm, these scenes that don't have Haruhi in them drag on way too long."

"Oh, boss, what'll we do?"

"How did I end up working with such a brilliant mind?!"

And then all the boys get shoved out of the room by all of the girls.

Wait, why? It's not like the guys were doing anything. What could be the motive behind all the girls wanting to be alone with shirtless Man Chin?

Okay, now I'm just being hopeful.

To make up for all the shots of Horseface standing there like an idiot and narrating, (He talks to himself, and bothers to number things before he says them. I'm sure this really helps your inner loser stay organized, buddy.) we get a ton of shots of Man Chin looking not amused while doing physical activities.

A solemn look here, a knitted eyebrow there, and a hand on the cheek thrown in for good measure.

Just a hunch, but I've got a feeling Man Chin isn't very happy about things right now.

However, Man Chin, feeling her massive jaw is just too great for only one club decides to join and quit a ton of them shortly after. But she's attractive (so I've been told) so no one really cares how troublesome and inconvenient it is for someone to do that.

Haruhi and co. at the outdoor adventures club.

Then Horseface feels the need to further prove he's a loser by telling Man Chin all the little subtleties he noticed about her complex and very freaking female soul.

"So, do you change your hairstyle every day to warn off alien invaders?"

Not only is Horseface being a total creeper, a characteristic of the common nerd, (the kind of guy who might say "I noticed lately you've been wearing that green bracelet about 1/4 further down your arm than usual. I like it.") he's gotta go and be every jerk in the world by mocking her interests.

Haruhi doesn't mind, though. Remember, she's working toward getting a 'date'!

"All you have to do to get girls is NOT follow Taniguchi's advice?!"

Next on Man Chin's to-do list? Surprise: be bored. And you'll never guess how Horseface responds..

(Hint: He watches her apathetically while the little voice in his head narrates just how goddamn FEMALE she is.)

An episode of TMOHS: It's like this, but for half an hour.

And then Man Chin gets her hair cut.

Now maybe it's because I have a thing for short hair or whatever, but this totally makes up for her Jay Leno chin. The hair ribbon is a nice touch, too.

Better.

Speaking of characters that show up to make drama and then die, (whoops!) we get to talk to Ryoko Asakura. Like everything else in this godforsaken chin-obsessed world, Ryoko is looking for a way to get into Haruhi's pants.

Real dub line: "What do you do to get her to open up [her legs]?"

And after Ryoko uses her serial-killer charm to make Kyon her lackey, (is he ever NOT being ordered around..?) she runs back to her harem to plan what they're going to do to Man Chin when she's captured.

Taniguchi, a little too excited a girl with unnatural hair color was within 10 feet of him, grabs hold of Kyon...

How can you just watch, Kunikida?! You bastard.

Man Chin, saying aloud everyone's first thought after graduating junior high and arriving at their new school,

"I thought things would get a little better when I got into high school, but it's the same here as it was throughout all these mandatory school years,"

has concluded that a hand-free cheek should not be a cheek at all.

Déjà vu. Déjà vu.

What happens the next 3 minutes or so? Man Chin and Horseface's mouth shapes change every other frame, and sometimes voices come out of them, and occasionally other parts of their bodies move.

Sometimes the scenery changes. If the animators are feeling daring, the lighting does, too.

Ah, but those guys are smarter than we think! When shows like this hit their dullest of the dull moments, it's time to introduce a new, upbeat, crazy character to mix things up!

Slow down, animators, you're losing me!

Meet Hottie #2: The sexy bookworm, whose Snow-White-pale complexion and curvaceous body contest even Haruhi's Godly figure. Her hair, a blend of silver and lilac...

Wait.

Are those glasses?

Forget her.

"Now emitting dismal emotions."

I kid. I think Yuki's adorable and quite more useful than a lot of characters on this show...

"I'd like you all to meet Fanserv-- I mean, Mikuru!"

Oh, I kid again. Mikuru is also adorable, although not good for very many other things.

But in this day and age, being adorable gets you many more places than being useful. When was the last time you saw a Yuki dakimakura? Exactly.

"Stop sexualizing me and treating my body like an object!"

Yeah right.

Oh yeah, and then here comes the reason half the fans starting watching in the first place: Haruhi's boob grab. We've all seen the animated gif. We've all seen the "I Kissed a Girl" AMVs.

This, but nonconsensual. And they didn't have a pedophile manager.

And with that, some kind of half-assed club is formed..? Huh? But Haruhi is happy and her cheek is feeling lonely so all is good with the world.

"I call it the I-Rape-Mikuru-and-No-One-Tells Brigade!"

Whenever Kyon makes a face like this, he's just trying to figure out a way to hide his boner.

And so, the very female and melancholic first episode of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya comes to a close.

What have we learned?

- Haruhi is pretty. I think.
- Kyon is normal. He thinks.
- Girls are FEMALE.
- Catchy music solves everything.

Well, go ahead and dance along with the ending theme. Have no shame! At least you haven't spent any real money on something silly like a figma yet! Ohohoho! ...you haven't, right?

Oh, and because I know you were looking forward to it..

Boingu~!

This concludes TMOHS Episode 1's parody! There'll be more female girls in my next post!

Look forward to it!