Strawberry Panic Attack

Welcome to Strawberry Panic, the story of the lives of several young women at Astraea Hill's three all-girls schools, where no one has a care in the world and your biggest concern is getting raped in the woods by the lesbian Etoile, Shizuma Hanazono.

Wait, what.

You read that right. When "Take the long way back to the dorms to avoid being molested by Shizuma," is on your daily to-do list, you know you're at Astraea!

The anime starts all slowly and peacefully to trick you into thinking that Shizuma isn't going to sneak into your room at night and start feeling you up before you can say "Yamete!"...

Yeah, it hasn't smelled like fish since-- Never mind.

Woods might be secluded and romantic and shit, but can't there be somewhere a little less... pure to take advantage of people in? Think of those little innocent squirrels! Think of their little beady eyes watching you sin!

For shame.

Well, now that the female-seme has been introduced, let's bring on that puppy-eyed, snot-nosed, female-uke, Nagisa Aoi.

"Gee! My first day of school! Hope I don't get raped!"

Hey, she looks a little familiar... And now that I think about it...

"M-Minami-san... Hope I don't get raped..."

Nah, Minami's more of a ask-for-consent kind of girl than Shizuma. Yutaka and Nagisa, though are quite similar...

Okay, I'm starting to think Kagami Yoshimizu shrunk Nagisa down a foot, renamed her Yutaka, and threw her in Lucky Star. Lesbian tendencies and all.

And then for Minami, he just bred Yuki Nagato and a tube of mint toothpaste.

LESBIAN mint toothpaste.

Toothpaste orgy. Hot.

Anyway, Oral hygiene innuendo aside...

Now Nagisa and Shizuma have their fated encounter.

"Fated" meaning "Nagisa, being the stereotypical clutzy airhead she is, trips and tumbles down the giant hill the schools are located on. Into the woods. Right in front of pedobear Shizuma's watchful eyes."

And then they stare at each other for a while.

DON'T TRY TO FIGHT, JUST RUN.

As Strawberry Panic becomes a messed-up version of Little Red Riding Hood (minus the basket of pastries and the wolf... Oh yeah, and the grandma is a registered sex offender), a charm conveniently falls off Nagisa's backpack.

Comparable to dropping soap in the shower at a jail, innocent little Nagisa has no idea how just securing that charm better could've saved her from years of regret...

"Here's that charm. Now look into my eeeyyyeeesssssss..."

Wild SHIZUMA used GLARE!

It's super effective! (RUN, NAGISA, RUN!)

Wild SHIZUMA used LOVELY KISS. ("No! Not my virgin forehead!!")

NAGISA fainted! ..That or Shizuma used mind powers to make Nagisa go down on her...

..Wait, that's it? What happened to the hardcore yuri action I was expecting?

Did I do all that build-up about Shizuma being a creeper, girl-molester for nothing? All she does is give girls pecks on the forehead which make them mysteriously pass out?

Oh, I've got it. This is an elementary school. If you touch someone else, you two are automatically going out. Holding hands is on the same level as snogging. Right? Right?

No. They're in high school. Nagisa is a wimp and freaking out for nothing..

...Or is she?

"Where am I? And why are my nipples sore?"

Nagisa wakes up in what looks like a school infirmary from the shock of Shizuma's STD-infected lips.

So as to cover all her bases, Nagisa also checks for cancer...

"One... two... thr--?! Wait, never mind. I'm good."

Get ready for another introduction! Hm, a shoujo-ai story taking place at an all-girls school... I wonder what this next character will be like!

"Hey, a kind-looking girl! She doesn't look like she'll rape me at all!"

"Oh, fu--"

Meet Tamao Suzumi, resident nurse and taker of virginities temperatures.

Lucky Nagisa now has two weirdos to watch out for! All on her first day of school, too. Let's not forget she got kissed and passed out as well.

Man, if only they didn't have unnaturally colored hair, this would be the most realistic anime in existence! Too bad those platinum locks of Shizuma's totally ruin the illusion.

"Maybe it was a bad idea to write 'Rape Me' as my name on the application..."

Being the super-realistic anime this is, Nagisa's probably gonna transfer out, right?

Hahaha, not.

"Now look into my eeeyyyeeesssssss..."

Careful, Nagisa! THEY CAN SMELL FEAR!

Tamao then whips out Book of the Creeper to tell Nagisa she already knows her full name and they're in the same grade, class, AND they're gonna be sharing a dorm.

Nagisa, deciding she must have done something horrible in her past life to deserve this, promptly changes the subject to how she must be really late to class.

Yeah, fainting tends to not happen at convenient times. Shocker.

To surprise us even more, Tamao changes the topic to how she watched Nagisa sleep since classes let out and how "time went by quickly looking at your cute, sleepy face!"

(GOD HELP ME.)

"Oh, but she's just trying to be nice!" you might be thinking.

(I know you're not.)

You might think, "Tamao was just trying to care for her dormmate! There's nothing creepy about that!"

Yeah, well, you're about to be wrong.

"H-Hey, Tamao, whatcha got th--?"

"AAH. AAH. MEASURING TAPE. AAAHH."

The Deluxe Creeper Package: You're humiliated, uncomfortable AND ruined for marriage!

How convenient that her school transfer was so fast that they didn't have time to take measurements or order her uniform! Maybe next it'll conveniently rain vibrators.

..In an anime like this, I really wouldn't be surprised if it did.

Creeper Level: Error. Too high to be measured.

(...There is no God.)

Because Nagisa would prefer to be in public rather than private with Tamao, (witnesses!) they go on a tour around the campus.

For the three academies' school uniforms, St. Spica gets Washed-out White, St. Le Rim gets Picnic Blanket Plaid, and for St. Miatre's uniform, a goth and businessman's wardrobe decided to have a baby.

"...Daddy?"

Anyway, the tour's first stop is Astraea's church.

...Yeah, there's a church down here in Rape Valley.

Then they went to a daycare and smoked pot or something, because that makes the same amount of sense.

Tamao, don't say that here! The Virgin Mary is watching!

No, no, not that one!

(GOD HELP ME.)

Tamao, late for her 5:00 harem visit, bids Nagisa goodbye by holding her hand and reenacting the ending of Titanic.

Trust me-- Nagisa's heart WILL go on. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's already left.

But wait! Nagisa notices a rustling in the bushes while she's heading back...

A wild SHIZUMA appears! ..Yeah, yeah, I'll stop with the Pokemon references.

Hey, look, it's the girl that took advantage of Nagisa earlier. Any sane person right now would see her and be like "Oh man! Don't want that to happen again! Let me go in the opposite direction!"

Yeah, not Nagisa. Nagisa's a crazybitch.

"'Stranger danger'? Is that like one of those tongue twister things? Ahahahaa.. I like Twister..."

For some reason, there was like Charlie Brown-esque piano music playing throughout this whole part, too.

Just imagine: Beethoven's 7th accompanying a lesbian rape scene...

Wait, that happened.

And then just like a lead hammer crunching every male watching this show's erection, Nagisa looks at her watch, realizes how late it is, and sprints back to the dorms.

Shizuma returns to Creeper Woods. This moment will probably never be brought up again. Well, that's cool.

"Taking longer than you're supposed to doing other things makes you LATE?!"

Then, the most freaking cliche and hilariously stupid thing happens: a gate surrounding the dorms closes RIGHT before Nagisa's innocent little hands can stop them.

And Tamao happened to run out and get there a second too late, too. I don't normally say this, but it's kinda called for here:

Fail.

"You know, I think groping my breasts would loosen the lock a little. Yeah. Try that."

Tamao tells Nagisa only the sister in charge has the key to open it.

Oh, just great. Let's bring in a creeper to fix the problem that another creeper created in the first place. Good idea.

Seriously, any female with a title of 'in charge' at this school would really scare me. ..And 'sister'...

..Incest? In my shoujo-ai? It's more likely than you think.

"Nice to meet you girls. I'm The Only Unattractive Character Here In This Show. Just call me TOUCHITS."

Scene change. Tamao is standing outside a door where Nagisa and the sister in charge supposedly are. Nagisa is getting chewed out (not like that) for violating a school rule on her first day here.

And there's some implied BDSM or something happening. Really.

My sense of reality got suspended the second the opening started, so it's not that much of a surprise...

It was all fine and dandy until Nagisa forgot the safe word.

"All I remember is that it was a barrier constructed to contain the flow of water or to keep out the sea.."

"Levee! Dam! Dyyyykkeee!"

Luckily, Nagisa gets saved! Kinda!

Tamao is seen briefly outside the room talking to Rokujou, who's a president or something, as proven by her smaller eyes, slightly less outrageous hair, and meaningful-looking stares.

"Ohohoho. It's like I sweat maturity."

Someone with such a good reputation and as put-together as Rokujou wouldn't dare risk their position by flirting with other students like everyone else, right?

"Hahaha, for a second there, I almost thought I'd NOT rape you."

Wow, this show is becoming as structured as an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba.

Except Strawberry Panic's formula is:
1. Introduce Raper
2. Introduce Rapee
3. Introduce Backup Raper
4. Just throw in a third and fourth for the hell of it
P.S. Make sure they're all girls so it's not every hentai ever

And Yo Gabba Gabba's is more like:
1. Take acid
2. Make show
3. ???
4. Profit!

Sense. This show does not make it.

Have you seen DJ Lance Rock's ass? If you have, you're lying. He has none.

Next, Rokujou and Brian Peppers Tamao discuss how if the sister in charge and president were minibosses, the Etoile is the mother-effing final boss.

Estuans interius.. ira vehementi... Sephiroth!

Attack the chest for massive damage!

The scene cuts to the cafeteria, where everyone and their mother has heard there's a transfer student. "Maybe she'll be a beautiful girl!" meganekko (did anyone else think of a giant cat when they first heard this term? you know, mega+ neko...) minor character #3 wonders.

Yeah, God forbid anyone ugly be forced to go through all this.

We also get a look at the many students at Astarea Hill, who, from an aerial view, could totally be mistaken for a bowl of fruit.

Anime hair: Doing it right.

Yeah, up yours, gravity!

To break the generic-ness, cookie-cutter character trend of this show, a female version of Honey from Ouran High School Host Club appears... Wait.

"They can't sue us if we use a teddy bear instead! We're just too clever."

And so the camera pans from girl to girl, apparently thinking the viewers are really forgetful. ("It's an all-GIRLS school? Man, was I confused..")

Random girl, random girl, random girl...

..Haruhi Suzumiya?!

"If any of you are bisexual, transgender, or questioning, please come see me."

But this Haruhi counterpart isn't even considering if the transfer student is mysterious or not! Or flamingly gay for Kyon!!

..Anyway.

Random girl, random girl, random girl...

Found her! Introducing weirdo number.. five, are we at? I lost count of the rapists in this show.

...

Sadly, if you're into anime like this, that last sentence there will be something you'll hear a lot.

It's not surrendering your free will, it's LOVE!

Meet Hikari, the doe-eyed girl with a forehead large enough to contain its own solar system (covered by bangs so it doesn't) and... Yaya.

Yes, Yaya.

Even this rapist's name is a synonym for boobs. Bazonkers. Wowzas. Mammary glands.

Speaking of character associtation, this next girl looks a ton like Marth from the Fire Emblem series. Don't believe me?

"みんな、見ていてくれ！"

Aah, nice to see Fire Emblem has so many empowering female characters.

Next, poor Nagisa enters Creeper Cafeteria only to be STARED DOWN BY EVERYONE IN THE ROOM. Not even kidding. I wish I was for Nagisa's sake.

Keep in mind she's doing this to meet the Etoile. The same Etoile who used freaky gay mind powers to make Nagisa her sex slave.

Yeah, the anime conveniently doesn't mention that last part.

But Mio from K-ON! comes to the rescue! Or is that Shinozuka from Your Fragrance?

Whoever she is, I really want to trim her bangs.

Since this girl's got that long-banged, authoritative air about her, Nagisa promptly bows and politely greets the Etoile...

Just kidding. Silly Nagisa! You think someone in power at this school would be that normal-looking? Jeez, it's like this is your first day here or something.. Ohwait.

Luckily, the real Etoile wastes no time in correcting the mistake and introducing herself. Oh, but she can't just interrupt Nagisa like a NORMAL person...

"And by 'we,' I mean my middle finger and your labia. Baby."

"I NEED AN ADULT!"

Nagisa takes the opportunity of being in public with a creeper to freak out and call attention to it, like a good kid should. Go Nagisa!

Of course, every other girl just watches while wriggling their thighs together and not giving a shit about her.

Better luck next time.

Reenacting Star Wars with an awkward exchange of
"You're in front of the Etoile!"
"I AM the Etoile."
Nagisa comes to the conclusion that, holy mother of God, there is no escape.

"Y'know, I might just convert to atheism. And move to Siberia. And get a sex change. Call me Nicholas."

"Hot."

Ooh! Looks like the best part's coming up next!

Oh, man, here we go!

They're totally going to kiss! Look at that! I knew it!

Oh for the love of--

Now, by this point, viewers have noticed that this entire anime is a cocktease and the only point in watching it is to trick other people into watching it and realizing what a freaking cocktease it is.

That or you can debate this deep philosophy behind this show.

Is what's being shown actually happening, or is it an alternate existence of Nagisa's, in which the effects of others' actions are exaggerated? In Nagisa's non-Strawberry-Panic life, is she yearning for other girls' attention, which led to her hallucinations of her actually having same-sex experiences?

Or maybe it's exactly the opposite. Maybe non-Strawberry-Panic Nagisa is as straight as they come and the lighthearted affections of her female classmates have been exaggerated into crushes in this anime. Maybe it's her closeted homophobia that's represented by her insecurity around other girls.

Or, you know, maybe Nagisa is just having the worst freaking first day of school ever.

"Oh, JOY."

About to eat her first meal at Creeper Academy, Nagisa says Grace and prays. Like that'll get her out of here.

Wait a second, what the Hell kind of religion is this where the leader can go around handpicking minors to molest in the woods?

Oh yeah, it's a Catholic school.

"You won't be saved if you tell your parents!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

Scene change to the dorm, in which Nagisa may or may not have been raped on the way.

Tamao is peacefully blow-drying Nagisa's already dry hair and congratulating her on getting Shizuma to make a move on her the first day. Nagisa is trying to contain telling Tamao what a crazybitch she is.

Show outside of dorm. Pan out. Cut to live-action music video ending credits.

Oh, that made sense.

The End?!